this is my second blog post, in which I share about the development of a painting and how the process of its creation, and the message it brings, has helped me connect to this time of year. enjoy, leave a comment and let me know if you would like to have a print of "immersion" on your wall too.
I spent a few months exploring themes of reaching out and in, moving forward while integrating where id been
(I shared this process in my last blog post). I had another image in me, I decided to try painting it on a canvas. This can be threatening. It feels more official. More intimidating. There is more pressure for it to be “ good”. I prayed and set an intention as I sat down in front of this blank whiteness, I was longing to hold myself in tenderness, in kindness, I felt such deep yearning and I didn’t even know what for.
I started drawing with oil pastels. A scribble. A big head emerged, a child’s head. The Eyes are closed...the hands are crossed over the child’s chest cradling the head. the Child's hair turned to fire and burned and the background started to get darker.
Acrylic paint joined the oil pastels. I needed something deeper, more flowing. The reds were accompanied by blues and yellows, the colors are very primary.
The face was maturing before my eyes, the image has evolved. I could have stopped and finished it at any stage but it was in process but It was a journey that had not come to its conclusion yet. I was being led from beyond, a gift was emerging before my eyes
.
The colors were becoming more subtle, the body fading into the background. The skin, luminous, translucent, shining with an inner light in the darkness. her expression turns inward, becoming tranquil, more serene. the background needs to be darker, blacker. she starts to look like she is floating in water. All you can see are her face and hands. One hand has reached over to hug her shoulder the other still caresses her face. Her hair fans out around her almost like a dark halo. A crown. Her expression is peaceful, deep. Thoughtful. She is immersed totally in care of self, with tenderness, and kindness. in a pool of self-awareness and discovery. as I stand back to take her in I feel such an attraction to her. A magnetic pull. I feel like I could stare at her forever. She is discovering something I’m longing for. She is whole in a way I long to be, yet she has come from somewhere inside of me. I have that peace and wholeness somewhere in me too. The resilience to keep choosing to treat myself with tenderness again and again, and to find hope.
This painting leads me into the month of Elul, the last month of the Jewish year. A time of soul searching, introspection, and longing. A time of taking stock of the year that's past, in an attempt to realign ourselves with our true authentic desires of who we want to be. Sometimes this brings on a feeling of overwhelmed desperation that usually leads me to a shut down and numbed out depression. I feel so far from the person I long to be, so out of tune with my dreams and desires, so stuck and eventually, so closed up. A month designated from the beginning of time for opening hearts to their inner calling, desires, and truths, become a numbed out time of avoidance and shame. Closing myself up out of the pain of failure, and lack of perfection and the fear of not being " enough".
Then I look up and see her,” immersion”, hanging on my wall, Really see her, and I know she is A gift. She depicts Holding oneself with serenity and compassion. All of oneself, The good and bad, the pain and joy, the growth, and the regression. Holding it all with a gentle caress that says, “I believe in your ultimate goodness and light, you are worthwhile no matter what you've done or gone through, you are precious. you are enough”. One can be totally immersed in realignment of, and in recommitting to, one's authentic self, gently and with care.
I see she is in a ritual bath, purifying herself continuously from the shame that closes us up and hardens our hearts.
I feel the tears come, my heart slowly breaks open, I yearn for something and I don’t even know what it is exactly. Only that I want to be open to it. To feel it. To immerse myself and be present in the deep river that is life and not run away.
Shana tova.
Miriam
This painting was accepted into the online exhibition ” the spirit of resilience”
I really like this