This is my first blog post. In my blogs and videos I hope to share, the way art and image-making are a vehicle for me to express my feelings and emotions. When I feel blocked and closed, working with images helps me access hidden parts of me and express things that I have no other language for. My hope is that my process will help others experience their feelings and that people will be able to relate to my struggles and gain healing for themselves.
In this post, I share the work I’ve done over the last three months or so, and how my art corresponds to my inner journey.
Helplessness has been a theme for me recently. Both because of Corona and its limitations and looming fear, and a strange virus (that isn’t corona) which has left me weak and sickly for the last few months. The question arose in me - how can I be weak but not helpless. Where does my power lie? How can I learn to be compassionate to my body even when it’s not doing what I think it should do? What does healing look like when it incorporates all of me and doesn’t just skip over the broken parts?
The work of growing forward while healing inward can be tricky. How do you advance, learn, grow, heal, and still maintain a relationship with your past self? How can I carry my wounded inner child with me, while not being overwhelmed by her pain and fear?
So I turned to image-making, as I do in times of distress and Dis-ease, to help me understand myself and free my subconscious to communicate with me openly. To help me let my soul speak, as it were.
My image-making process looks like this: I sit with what is real for me at that moment or put an intention out into the world, then I scribble all over a page, see an image, and follow it to completion. I don’t judge what I see. I try not even to think about it and how what I see might eventually answer my question or fit my intention, I just draw.
When the image is finished emerging, I sit back and wonder at the magnificence of this process of inner communication. And I thank g-d that I have this tool to help me express myself when words just won’t cut it.
I am sharing seven images I did one after another that depicts my inner process around these issues of helplessness versus strength, weakness, and healing.
The first image surprised me with its compassion, I called it “receiving comfort”, even though the girl, eyes closed and sad looking, is still not ready to accept the comfort offered her by the two other vague figures in the drawing, At least not fully. There is a lot of tenderness in the way one figure reaches out to the sad, lost child
I love The second image, I call it “Dear one”. Even though the woman in the image seems so very sad and lost, She has grown up, her mouth says she is vulnerable, her eyes are wide open. She is not symmetrical, as if she is off balance. the colors are bright and lively, the textures are rich and complex, almost in contrast to the woman’s expression. A hand reaching out to comfort her with so much tenderness is too big, it almost looks like a mistake as if she is still a child. She is being controlled by that sad, lost girl inside, still learning to receive comfort, but more open to it than before, more accepting of her pain. More present.
The third image Interests me. Here there are two people. One mature and wise with sad eyes looking forward. the other, a baby, desolate despairing, her eyes are closed, her head down as if it is all too much. At first, I thought the image was integrating these two parts but then I noticed there was no connection between them. No sharing of energy, only sharing space. The hand that wraps around them is not open and comforting as it was in the other images. It's as if it's saying “ you are here together stuck with each other but not connected, not integrated. And therefore not healing”.
In the fourth image,
“process” there is a clear differentiation between two beings. One bright, moving to the left her eyes wide open, with a little smirk on her face and her neck extended and long. The other one is dark, her eyes are closed, she is destitute, lonely. She has given up and been left behind. At first, I celebrated this image. The enmeshment is passed, the enlightened being can move forward, be free, but the more I looked the more I saw there is a wholeness missing, there is no peace in this image. it strains. Integration is still out of reach….back to work.
In the fifth image “come with me” The colors are pastel, light, new. The technique is open and airy. The subject matter is back to adult (mother) and child but here there is a clear connection between them. The hand is inclusive and inviting. The adult is leading the way with love. There is a heart in the image. The first time symbolism is seen. The mother might be pregnant, full of possibilities….
The sixth image “being held” I find powerful and slightly intimidating. The masculine has entered, full of power and presence. He is holding up the feminine figure, she is limp and not resistant. Accepting his help. No one is looking at the viewer in this piece. As if they do their part unassumingly, innocently. To hold up and stay with the weaker parts is just what you do, it’s natural, authentic. Why has the masculine emerged at this point? What does it signify? I feel my brain recoil from the question. It challenges me. Perhaps there is a strong masculine presence inside of me, one that is capable, daring, and competent and I’m getting closer to discovering it.
The seventh image I call
“ immersion”. This image is the first in the series to have only one person in it. She appears to be floating in dark waters, her light face contrasting the darkness all around her. Her hair spread out around her face like a halo. Her arms are crossed in front of her chest, one hand is tenderly stroking her own face while the other is resting on her shoulder in a self hug. Her expression is concentrating, focused, totally immersed in cradling her sweet self. This image moves me deeply. The act of soothing has moved from other to self. She is in the darkness yet full of light. She radiates resilience.
I started out longing to find my inner strength and be led by it. But I thought to do so I had to leave the pain of my inner child behind, to no longer be a victim, helpless, weak. Only to realize what I really long for is to be whole. To grow upward, I need to reach inward with compassion and tenderness and incorporate it all into one, Weak and strong, masculine and feminine, wounded child and healing older self. This is a journey toward the peace and joy of integration.
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